time

I’ve reached the point where I’ve now been home longer than I was in Lewes. over three months back with my family and the life I knew before I left for my adventure in August. I’ve seen no one from that time since being home, and sometimes it feels as though the whole thing could have just been a dream. life goes on unaffected by the changes and friendships and moments Lewes gave me.

it was Nash’s birthday yesterday. 21, a big deal in America. I feel awful that it’s in the midst of whatever is going on in our crazy world right now. I miss going downstairs to his room to visit him and Joel. some afternoons as they’d study I’d fall asleep on one of the beds, and they’d just leave me be. I’d wake up at 6pm and realise it was dinner time. we’d make pasta and eat with Jan, before tea time or movie night in 53.

it’s only through recounting in this way I feel as though I’m able to keep this alive in my mind. whilst sad to think it’s so far away from me - more so everyday - right now I need to keep these people with me. I’m unsure about many things and remain confused by the state of the world and my lack of clarity of where I’m going and what it all means.

my heart is still in Lewes. I suppose if we’re being realistic, it’s actually with the people I met and miss. I’m really not just in that dusty hotel than. my heart is scattered. it’s in Germany, the US, the Netherlands, Poland, Indonesia, Canada, Italy, and even across the water in Melbourne with Joel. I’ll never have it all back. but I’m working on ways to keep moving. it will make more sense someday, I’m sure. << x

March

it’s March. time flies and I try to keep up. I’m overwhelmed at how long ago this all was. physically I’m so far removed from my experience, though it’s never far from my mind or heart.

I’m lucky to be staying in regular contact with some of the special people I met. I spend so much of my time reflecting and just missing what was. the people and theemotions and the pass times and everything I took for granted. knowing that right now, another student lives in room 53 blows my mind. I hope the room treats themwith the kindness I found there.

Ziah and I are getting through a miniseries - ‘looking for Alaska’, an adaptation of one of my favourite books. I don’t know why but it has given me a lot to think about. I first read the book in December 2014, aged 15. to think of how much things have changed since then overwhelms me.

I’m back at university and trying to find my feet again. searching for purpose and striving to remain grateful and hopeful. << x