missing

I’ve spent the past fortnight in and out of kids camps. over the past eight years these have been a consistent part of my life during school holidays. they’ve become some sort of a safe haven for me. being back was like coming home. everything clicked into place seamlessly and I felt comfortable, that I was in the right place.

last night I dreamt I returned to Lewes for the spring semester. seeing my friends was wonderful. we hugged very tightly and I never wanted to let them go. I woke up. luckily, I spent the weekend visiting family friends, whom I love, and spent the morning with them.

I don’t know where this is going, but I spend much of my time missing and feeling out of touch. tonight I spoke with a friend from my exchange, who told me she was visiting Lewes on the weekend. it seems so far away from me now. to be there, walking those streets and seeing those faces, feels impossible. it’s what I wish I had right now.

whilst I seem to be sitting in a lack of clarity I know I’m lucky and I remain grateful - I try to remember the importance of this. I want to be productive and do good things for others and myself. I nap a lot instead, but I know I’ll get there. I keep trying << x.

one month

it’s been a month since I arrived home. I’ve been back for a month, surrounded by family and friends and a familiar environment I seemed to have missed so much during my time away. being here helps me realise how lucky I am. there is so much for me to be grateful for, and these people do so much to make me feel loved and appreciated.

whilst I sleep, more often than not I find myself back in Lewes. whether it’s on the bus to rehearsals, at Lansdown or in room 53 with my beautiful friends, it feels as though my dreams are my waking up from my days at home. it’s lovely to see my friends from far away in these dreams. but waking up is always difficult.

I stayed on camp for a bit this week. it helped me refocus on what is important in my life, and what I generally care about. the kids were fantastic and over the course of three days I was lucky to find some purpose and develop some meaningful connections. I’m lucky to still have camp.

I just heard from Jan, just through a voice message. he was talking about how our time in Lewes feels so long ago, because we are all so far away. I guess I understand, though I still seem to see him and everyone in my sleep, so it’s harder to recognise. I miss that life so much. << x

new year

the new age is here. 2020. I’m spending the first few nights camping on Bruny Island with my brother and parents. I can hear the waves crashing against the sand from a distance, it’s actually quite calming. we’re far from any buildings, and I’m lying in my tent with my brother.

it’s strange thinking of my time away as from another year, another decade all together. I’ve been home fifteen days, which has breezed by. despite this, it has felt as though I never left, and I often find myself wondering if it really happened or if I dreamed it up. sometimes it feels that way, when I wake up from what I thought was a trip to TESCO or tea night in room 53 to the realisation I’d been dreaming in my sleep.

I’ve been sleeping lots. I want to read and write and talk to those people I miss so much, but my energy is low at the moment. I’ll write to you soon. I hope the new year has welcomed you warmly. sending all my love << x