Jenae’s podcast

I spoke about writing here last night. for her course, Jenae is creating a podcast series about people preserving memories online in different ways. she knew about this page, and reached out to ask if I’d be happy to talk about it. until that point she hadn’t interviewed friends, so I tried to remind myself to not let our familiarity with and fondness for each other get in the way of my responses.

she asked me to read a blog post of my choosing aloud. this is something I’d never done before. answering her questions made me realise things about this space and why I still use it. I hardly ever go back to read and relive where I’ve been, though I still feel the need to tie experiences and feelings to words here. why? I think I left the conversation with unanswered questions about my own motivation and pursuit of meaning. but it was special to sit with Jenae in this context and force ourselves to be vulnerable for each other. the friendship felt present tense last night. she is a wonderful listener and a champion in my life.

it’s a strange conversation to mull over in this space. Jenae’s questions have reminded me of the filtering of emotions I do without realising when writing here. where do those other thoughts and feelings go? I’ve been bad with my journaling - I’m always much better when I’m travelling. I know the time always comes and I’ll spend the time it takes to write what I remember with a pen on paper, just for me. but I wonder what makes it so easy here - or what appeals to me about it. how much of it is my own vanity, the awareness that someone else out there might be reading along and thinking of me? I can remove mirrors from my room and hide my face. controlling my thoughts is a lot more complex.

he is looking at the world outside. the expression in his face reads as though he’s unimpressed. I like this photo. the window is dirty, like my glasses often are. his view of the world is tainted by the smear on the glass. somedays my view is tainted more than others. but I still have to keep my eyes open regardless. this is the way.

missing those I love and can no longer hold. counting what I am lucky to have and treasuring it as best I can. <<