October rain

it’s been raining a lot this week. I only remember catching dry sunshine once or twice since Sunday. the rain pours relentlessly and remind me of England. more often than not it’s a comfort I enjoy: the pattering of the raindrops against my roof a soothing soundtrack to send me to sleep. it fogs in the valley on the edge of which we live, and the moodiness of it all makes me feel okay for feeling lost or blue.

I’ve been writing a lot about the adventure and everything that happened to me. revisiting moments and people and places through the process of storytelling is as rewarding as it is overwhelming. I fear losing these memories through their being forgotten, which is one of the key factors driving my hopeful holding onto this sacred chapter in my life through writing. though it bears down on me, pulling me back to Lewes and everything that I miss and king for so hooelessly, I know I’ve been driven to write about this for a reason. these people and memories mean the world to me, and I owe them the glorification they deserve given how treasured they are in my heart. I wish I had more than memories, that I could use words to bring back the friends and pass times I miss so much. I wish hopelessly for many things.

my life lacks direction and I have been aware of this for a while now. with many hopes and dreams, I remain daunted by the prospect of never bringing any of it to life, spending decades dawdling nervously only to die without having left behind any of the gifts I’d hoped to create. I escape into my writing to hide from what I know: that I must make sense of the now and where I’m to go next. I pray to understand it all someday, that one day I will be capable of bringing some goodness into the world, something unique and treasured. I pray I’ll see my friends again. time passes and the rain keeps coming back. << x