it’s now been a year since I first arrived in Lewes. I’ve known that world for a whole lap around the sun, and I’m not sure how I’m supposed to feel about this. it all feels fresh. I still dream of that place often. I spend days and nights missing the people that made that crumbling hotel a sanctuary and home for me.time is ruthless and takes all things eventually. I’m reluctantly realising this, and though I doubt I’ll ever come to terms with the fact that these stories and memories that mean so much now will inevitably vanish someday, I am working on appreciating how lucky I have been to hold such moments sacred in my heart and mind. I don’t know where the time has slipped - I feel as though I only arrived home from the adventure not long ago, though the world and family I found over there feels further away with each passing day.
I was nervous that afternoon I first stepped off the train into the sleepy bonfire town. after months of exploring Europe solo, I found the two minute trek up the hill to sign in at the hotel reception more daunting than anything I’d done in my life up til that point. part of me thought my spending the semester hidden away in my room would be an inevitability. the thought of being alone and completely independent was something I had braced myself for. I had no idea I’d meet a cast of dozens of people from across the globe I could trust with my life and hug and hug and hug.
I miss them dearly daily. but a year is a long time. I’m lucky they still take up space in my mind: the thought of forgetting scares me. my time in Lewes saw a spectrum of emotions pushing me in a scary range of directions, but I was always safe there in the company I found. I miss that company. waking up and knowing at any given moment I could be drinking tea and laughing with a handful of people for whom I’d give the world. friends who’d dance with me to the same songs on the jukebox in Lansdown each night, passing me sips of their ciders. brothers who’d shave my head or let me sleep on their bed as they pumped out last minute essays, blasting frank or oasis. sisters who’d cry with me and show me how to self care with face masks and smashed avocado on toast.
I miss the town and I miss my friends. I’m so far away, but my heart is there and with them. I’d love another movie night. or a laugh in the kitchen - some of my sweetest memories being as simple as running into Pamela or Christina there, laughing at and psychoanalysing the state of the social monstrosity that became of our cohort. I’d be back in a heartbeat if only I could.
I remain confused by time and the intersecting paths of our stories. I try to not let this confusion taint my appreciation of the luck with which I have been blessed. a year of knowing Lewes, my far reaching family and the grand hotel. I remain thankful for these gifts and hopeful that I will one day understand what it all means. << x
